She looked out the kitchen window and saw him just sitting there on the curb, not playing with his trucks or the wagon or even the balsa glider that had pleased him so much all the last week since Jack had brought it home. He was just sitting there, watching for their shopworn VW, his elbows planted on his thighs and his chin propped in his hands, a five-year old kid waiting for his daddy.
温迪从厨房的窗户往外望去，看见儿子坐在马路边，没有玩他的那些小卡车、小马车，甚至也没有玩他心爱的滑翔机，上星期杰克给他买回家后，整整一周他都对这架滑翔机爱不释手。他坐在那里，一个5岁的小男孩，胳膊肘支在大腿上，双手托着下巴，等待着他家那辆大众车的出现，等待着他爸爸回家。
Wendy suddenly felt bad, almost crying bad.
温迪突然感到一阵难过，差点哭了出来。
She hung the dish towel over the bar by the sink and went downstairs, buttoning the top two buttons of her house dress. Jack and his pride! Hey no, Al, I don't need an advance. I'm okay for a while. The hallway walls were gouged and marked with crayons, grease pencil, spray paint. The stairs were steep and splintery. The whole building smelled of sour age, and what sort of place was this for Danny after the small neat brick house in Stovington? The people living above them on the third floor weren't married, and while that didn't bother her, their constant, rancorous fighting did. It scared her. The guy up there was Tom, and after the bars had closed and they had returned home, the fights would start in earnest -- the rest of the week was just a prelim in comparison. The Friday Night Fights, Jack called them, but it wasn't funny. The woman -- her name was Elaine -- would at last be reduced to tears and to repeating over and over again:
她把洗碗布晾在洗碗池边的横杆上，然后往楼下走去，一边走一边扣上了家居便服领口的两颗钮扣。死要面子的杰克！不，阿尔，我不需要预付工资。我还能对付一阵子。走廊的墙壁坑坑洼洼的，涂着彩色蜡笔画、油彩和漆，楼梯又陡又破，整座楼散发出一种腐朽的气味。住惯了斯托文顿那套整洁的小砖房，这地方对丹尼来说有多糟糕啊！他们上面的3楼住着一对未婚男女，这倒不烦她。但是，他们经常打得死去活来，这才让她有些担惊受怕。楼上的小伙子叫汤姆，每当周末，酒吧关门之后，他们一回到家，战斗就开始了——相形之下，每周其他时候只不过是序幕而已。杰克称之为“周五夜战”，可这并不有趣。最后总是那个女人——名叫伊莱思——哭哭啼啼地一遍一遍哀求：
Her sense of grief washed over her again but she was on the walk now and she smothered it. Sweeping her dress under her and sitting down on the curb beside him, she said: "What's up, doc?" He smiled at her but it was perfunctory. "Hi, Mom."
一阵悲伤又袭上温迪心头，可她已经来到了人行道上，只好把悲伤堵了回去。她撩开衣服下摆，挨着丹尼坐下来，问道：“怎么啦，博士？”他对她微微一笑，但有些漫不经心。“嗨，妈妈。”
"Don't, Tom. Please don't. Please don't." And he would shout at her. Once they had even awakened Danny, and Danny slept like a corpse. The next morning Jack caught Tom going out and had spoken to him on the sidewalk at some length. Tom started to bluster and Jack had said something else to him, too quietly for Wendy to hear, and Tom had only shaken his head sullenly and walked away. That had been a week ago and for a few days things had been better, but since the weekend things had been working back to normal -- excuse me, abnormal. It was bad for the boy.
“别这样，汤姆。求你别这样，求求你，别这样。”这时汤姆就对她大吼大叫。有一次他们甚至把丹尼吵醒了，丹尼一向都是睡得很死的。第二天早晨，杰克把汤姆叫了出去，在人行道上跟他谈了一会儿。汤姆开始变得暴躁起来，杰克又给他说了些什么，声音很小，温迪没听见，但汤姆只是恼怒地晃了晃脑袋便走开了。那是一周前发生的事，情况好转了几天，但到了周末，情况又恢复了正常——抱歉，应该是不正常。
The glider was between his sneakered feet, and she saw that one of the wings had started to splinter.
丹尼穿着运动鞋，滑翔机躺在他两脚之间，她发现滑翔机的一侧机翼快碎裂了。
Danny had gone back to staring up the street. "No. Dad will fix it."
丹尼已经转过头去盯着街道远方。“不，爸爸会修的。”
"Want me to see what I can do with that, honey?"
“宝贝儿，让我看看能不能把它修好，好吗？”
"Dad said it might," Danny said in a matter-of-fact, almost bored manner. "He said the fuel pump was all shot to shit."
“爸爸说会的，”丹尼神情严肃，略微有些懊恼。“他说油泵他妈的完蛋了。”
She sighed. "No, `All shot to shit.' Don't say that."
她叹了口气，说：“不，别说‘他妈的完蛋了’。”
"It's vulgar."
“这很粗俗。”
"Dad says it. When he was looking at the bugmotor be said, `Christ this fuel pump's all shot to shit.' Isn't Dad nice?" How do you get into these things, Winnifred? Do you practice?
“爸爸就讲。他查看汽车发动机的时候说，‘油泵他妈的完蛋了’。爸爸不是好人吗？”
"Like when you pick your nose at the table or pee with the bathroom door open. Or saying things like `All shot to shit.' Shit is a vulgar word. Nice people don't say it."
“比方说，你在饭桌上挖鼻子，敞着厕所门尿尿，或讲‘他妈的完蛋了’这样的话。‘他妈的’是粗话，好人都不讲。”
"Your daddy may not be back until suppertime, doc. It's a long drive up into those mountains."
“你爸爸可能晚饭前回不来，博士。上山的路很远。”
"Do you think the bug will break down?"
“汽车会出毛病吗？”
"Why?"
“为什么？”
"What's vulgar, Mom?"
“什么叫粗俗，妈妈？”
"Fuel pump?" he asked her with honest surprise.
“油泵？”丹尼惊讶地问。
"No, I don't think so." But he had just given her something new to worry about. Thanks, Danny. I needed that.
“不会，我想不会。”丹尼的询问又给她添了几分新愁。谢谢你，丹尼，我正需要有人问。
"Don't say that, Danny."
“不准这样说话，丹尼。”
"He's nice, but he's also a grown-up. And he's very careful not to say things like that in front of people who wouldn't understand."
你怎么解释得清楚这些东西呢，温尼弗雷德？你自己明白吗？“他是好人，可他是个大人。他知道在什么人面前不讲粗话。”
"Can I say it when I'm grown-up?"
“长大后我可以讲吗？”
"I suppose you will, whether I like it or not."
“我想你会讲的，不管我喜不喜欢。”
"You mean like Uncle Al?"
“你是说比如阿尔叔叔吗？”
"Yes, that's right."
“对，是的。”
"Hokay."
“好吧。”
"How old?"
“要等到多大？”
"That's a long time to have to wait."
“那可得等很久。”
"How does twenty sound, doc?"
“20岁怎么样，博士？”
He went back to staring up the street. He flexed a little, as if to rise, but the beetle coming was much newer, and much brighter red. He relaxed again. She wondered just how hard this move to Colorado had been on Danny. He was closemouthed about it, but it bothered her to see him spending so much time by himself. In Vermont three of Jack's fellow faculty members had had children about Danny's age -- and there had been the preschool -- but in this neighborhood there was no one for him to play with. Most of the apartments were occupied by students attending CU, and of the few married couples here on Arapahoe Street, only a tiny percentage had children. She had spotted perhaps a dozen of high school or junior high school age, three infants, and that was all.
丹尼又转过头，往街道远方望去。他身子一屈，似乎要站起来，但是，驶过的车子比他们家那辆新得多，红漆也鲜亮得多。他又放松下来。温迪很想知道，这次搬到科罗拉多来对丹尼来说有多么难以接受。他虽闭口不谈，但看到他很多时间都是自个儿呆着，她感到十分不安。以前在佛蒙特，杰克3个同事的家里有跟丹尼同龄的孩子——而且那时还有幼儿园——但是，在这个居民区，找不到可以和丹尼一起玩的小孩。公寓里大多住着科罗拉多大学的学生，阿拉帕霍街上不多的几对夫妇中只有极少数有孩子。她在附近只看到过十来个中学生和3个婴儿。
"I guess it is, but will you try?"
“我想是的，试试好吗？”
"Mommy, why did Daddy lose his job?"
“妈妈，爸爸为什么失业了？”
"Sure," he said. "Arguments for fun, right?"
“记得，”他说。“就是辩论着玩，对吗？”
She was jolted out of her reverie and floundering for an answer. She and Jack had discussed ways they might handle just such a question from Danny, ways that had varied from evasion to the plain truth with no varnish on it. But Danny had never asked. Not until now, when she was feeling low and least prepared for such a question. Yet he was looking at her, maybe reading the confusion on her face and forming his own ideas about that. She thought that to children adult motives and actions must seem as bulking and ominous as dangerous animals seen in the shadows of a dark forest. They were jerked about like puppets, having only the vaguest notions why. The thought brought her dangerously close to tears again, and while she fought them off she leaned over, picked up the disabled glider, and turned it over in her hands.
她从纷乱的思绪中惊醒过来，支支吾吾地盘算着怎么回答。她和杰克曾讨论过应付丹尼的这个问题的办法，包括从回避到据实相告的种种办法。但在此之前丹尼从未问过。可现在，她情绪低落，对回答这个问题毫无准备。丹尼望着她，也许读出了她脸上的茫然，正在形成他自己的看法。她想，对孩子来说，成年人的行为和动机必定像潜伏在黑黝黝的森林深处的危险动物一样诡谲、不祥。他们一家像木偶一样被驱来赶去，却阒然不知其中的原因。想到这里，她的眼泪又涌了上来。她忍住泪水，俯身捡起破损的滑翔机，然后将它翻过来拿在手里。
"Right." She turned the glider over and over, looking at the trade name (SPEEDOGLIDE) and the blue star decals on the wings, and found herself telling the exact truth to her son.
“对。”她一遍一遍地把滑翔机颠过来倒过去，眼睛盯着商标和机翼上的蓝星星，发现自己在对儿子讲真话。
"Your daddy was coaching the debate team, Danny. Do you remember that?"
“你爸爸主持过一支辩论队，丹尼。你记得吗？”
"Was he the one who put the holes in our bug's tires?"
“扎我们家汽车轮胎的就是他吗？”
"There was a boy named George Hatfield that Daddy had to cut from the team. That means he wasn't as good as some of the others. George said your daddy cut him because he didn't like him and not because he wasn't good enough. Then George did a bad thing. I think you know about that."
“有个男孩叫乔治—哈特菲尔德，爸爸不得已把他开除了。就是说他不如其他队员。乔治说，你爸爸开除他是因为不喜欢他，而不是他不好。于是乔治就干了件坏事。你知道这件事吧？”
"Yes, he was. It was after school and your daddy caught him doing it." Now she hesitated again, but there was no question of evasion now; it was reduced to tell the truth or tell a lie.
“是的，就是他。那天放学后，你爸爸当场逮住了他。”她又犹豫起来，但现在要回避是不可能的了，要么实话实说，要么撒谎。
"Your daddy… sometimes he does things he's sorry for later. Sometimes he doesn't think the way he should. That doesn't happen very often, but sometimes it does."
“你爸爸…有时他会做出事后后悔的事情。有时他很鲁莽，做事欠考虑。这种情况不常有，但有时候确实如此。”
"Did he hurt George Hatfield like the time I spilled all his papers?"
“他是不是打了乔治—哈特菲尔德，就像那回我把他的稿子弄湿了，他就打我那样？”
"Something like that, honey. Your daddy hit George to make him stop cutting the tires and George hit his head. Then the men who are in charge of the school said that George couldn't go there anymore and your daddy couldn't teach there anymore." She stopped, out of words, and waited in dread for the deluge of questions.
“差不多就是那样，宝贝儿。你爸爸打了乔治，想叫他别再扎轮胎，乔治也打了你爸爸的头。管理学校的人说，乔治再也不用去上学了，你爸爸也不能去学校教书了。”她停下来，不知道往下说什么好，不安地等待着一连串的问题。
Wendy blinked her eyes savagely hard, driving her tears all the way back.
温迪用力眨了眨眼，忍住泪没让流出来。
Sometimes -- (Danny with his arm in a cast) -- he does things he's sorry for later.
有时候——（丹尼的胳膊打着石膏）——有时他会做出事后后悔的事情。
"You miss your friends, don't you?"
“想朋友了，是吗？”
"Maybe he'll be early."
“也可能会早回来的。”
She was halfway up the walk when he called, "Mommy?"
她已经往回走了一半的路，这时，丹尼叫道：“妈妈！”
"I guess I do," he said finally. "Nobody much to play with around here."
“我想我愿意，”他最后说。“这里也没人跟我玩。”
"I don't think he'll be home much before five."
“你爸爸很可能5点之前回不来。”
She went back to him and kissed him, rumpled his lightcolored hair that was just losing its baby-fineness. He was such a solemn little boy, and sometimes she wondered just how he was supposed to survive with her and Jack for parents.
她回去吻了吻丹尼，抓了抓他那一头正褪去乳色的浅黄头发。小男孩显得如此老成持重，有时她简直不明白她和杰克怎么会是他的父母。
Now, which of five thousand answers should she give to that one? The way she had felt yesterday or last night or this morning? They were all different, they crossed the spectrum from rosy pink to dead black.
答案成千上万，她该找哪一个来回答他呢？该告诉丹尼她昨天、昨晚的想法，还是今天早上的想法？这些答案从玫瑰红到漆黑，各种色彩的都有。
"Oh," Danny said, and went back to looking up the street. Apparently the subject was closed. If only it could be closed that easily for her -- She stood up. "I'm going upstairs for a cup of tea, doc. Want a couple of cookies and a glass of milk?"
“噢，明白了。”丹尼说，又转过头去盯着远处的街道。显然，这个话题结束了。但愿她能如此轻松地摆脱这个问题——她站了起来。“我上楼去喝杯茶，博士。想来几块饼干和一杯牛奶吗？”
"What, Danny?"
“什么事，丹尼？”
"I think I'll watch for Dad."
“我还是在这里等爸爸吧。”
"Maybe," she agreed. "Maybe he will."
“也许，”她表示同意。“也许会的。”
"Do you want to go and live in that hotel for the winter?"
“你愿意去那个饭店过冬吗？”
She said: "If it's what your father wants, it's what I want." She paused. "What about you?"
她说：“你爸爸愿意，我就愿意。”顿了顿，她问：“你呢？”
"Sometimes I miss Scott and Andy. That's about all."
“我有时想念斯科特和安迪。”
The high hopes they had begun with came down to this unpleasant apartment building in a city they didn't know. The image of Danny in his cast rose up before her again. Somebody in the Divine Placement Service had made a mistake, one she sometimes feared could never be corrected and which only the most innocent bystander could pay for.
搬到这个生疏的城市，住进这套令人不快的公寓，他们当初所抱的希望已开始烟消云散。丹尼打着石膏的形象又浮现在她眼前。失业安置机构的人犯了一个错误，她有时担心这个错误可能永远都无法挽回，其代价也许只有最漠然的旁观者才经受得起。
"Sure, Mom."
“好的，妈妈。”
"Stay out of the road, doc," she said, and hugged him tight.
“别到路中间去啊，博士。”她说，紧紧搂着他。
She went upstairs and into the kitchen. She put on the teapot and laid a couple of Oreos on a plate for Danny in case he decided to come up while she was lying down. Sitting at the table with her big pottery cup in front of her, she looked out the window at him, still sitting on the curb in his blue jeans and his over-sized dark green Stovington Prep sweatshirt, the glider now lying beside him. The tears which had threatened all day now came in a cloudburst and she leaned into the fragrant, curling steam of the tea and wept. In grief and loss for the past, and terror of the future.
她上楼进了厨房，搁上茶壶，在盘子里给丹尼放了几块饼干，这样，她躺下睡觉时丹尼要是上楼来，也不会没有吃的。她坐在餐桌旁，大茶杯搁在面前，往窗外望去：儿子仍然坐在路边，穿着蓝色牛仔裤和一件肥大的深绿色斯托文顿预备学校运动衫，滑翔机躺在他身边。此时，她强忍了一天的泪水终于扑簌簌掉落下来，她斜倚在香气四溢、袅袅升腾的茶水蒸气中黯然而泣，怀想着过去的悲伤和失落，揣度着未来的恐惧和不安。