Across the street, behind the buildings, the sun continues its fall. All the streetlamps are on, up and down the block. I grab the Butterfinger from my knee, the soda from beside me, and stand up.
街对面，房屋后面，太阳在一点点西沉。整个街区的路灯全都亮了。我把膝头的朱古力威化饼还有身旁的汽水拿在手里，站起身来。
Step-by-step. That's how we'll get through this. One foot in front of the other.
循序渐进。要听完磁带就得这样。一步一步来。
Before Hannah's voice kicks in, there's a pause.
汉娜的声音响起之前有一段空白。
I know it may sound like it, but I wasn't completely alone the beginning of my freshman year. Two other freshmen, both featured here on Hannah Baker's Greatest Hits, were also new to the area. Alex Standall and Jessica Davis. And while we never became close friends, we did rely on each other those first few weeks of school.
我知道这听上去不过是说说而已，可刚进中学时我并不完全是一个人独来独往。还有两个新生，都名列“汉娜·贝克最佳人气榜”，也是新搬来的。艾利克斯·斯丹达尔和杰西卡·戴维斯。我们三人并没有成为好朋友，但在开学的最初几个星期里，我们却是相互帮助。
We've already finished one tape -- both sides -- so stick with me. Things get better, or worse, depending on your point of view.
咱们已经听完了一盒磁带——两面，所以别走开。事情的进展是好还是不好，那要取决于各人的看法。
There's a trash can, an oil drum spray-painted blue, near the front door of Blue Spot Liquor. I drop the unwrapped Butterfinger into it, unable to imagine my stomach holding down anything solid, and walk away.
蓝点酒吧门外有个垃圾桶，一个蓝色喷漆油桶。我知道自己什么也吃不下，就把拆开了的朱古力威化饼扔了进去，就走了。
I twist the top off my orange soda. It hisses and I take a sip.
我打开橙汁罐，汽水丝丝冒气，我喝了一口。
In case you don't remember, Ms. Antilly was the guidance counselor for students with last names beginning A through G. Later that year, she moved to another school district.
可能你们不记得了，安迪莉老师是姓氏首字母A到G的学生的指导老师。那年底她调到了另一个学区。
With one week left of summer vacation, Ms. Antilly called me at home to see if I'd meet her at school. A little new-student orientation, she said.
暑假的最后一个星期，安迪莉老师打电话到我家，让我去学校她。是新生情况介绍，她说。
An icy sweat breaks across my forehead. Mr. Porter? Does he have something to do with this?
我额头渗出了冷汗。波特老师？他也有份吗？
I remember she was replaced by Mr. Porter. It was supposed to be a temporary position, but he's still at it. An English teacher as well as a guidance counselor.
我记得接替她的是波特老师。原本是临时的，可他仍兼着。英语老师兼指导老师。
The world around me tilts and spins. I grab onto the trunk of a skinny sidewalk tree.
我周围的一切开始旋转。我一把抓住一棵细细的行道树。
If she had told me the real purpose of our get-together was to introduce me to another new student, I wouldn't have gone. I mean, what if we had nothing in common? Or what if I thought we had nothing in common but she, the other student, thought we did? Or what if the opposite happened and I thought we could become friends but she didn't?
如果她告诉我找她的真正目的是给我介绍另一个新生，我就不会去了。我是说，要是两人没有什么共同点怎么办？或者我觉得没共同点，而那位学生觉得有，那怎么办？或者说反过来，我觉得两人可以做朋友，她却不以为然呢？
Which is very unfortunate, as it turns out. But that is for a later tape.
结果就是非常不幸。可这是后话了。
But the other girl was Jessica Davis, and she didn't want to be there any more than I did.
另一个女生就是杰西卡·戴维斯，她也跟我一样不想去。
We both expected Ms. Antilly to spew a bunch of psychobabble at us. What it means -- what it takes -- to be a great student. How this school is made up of the best and the brightest in the state. How everyone is given the same opportunities to succeed if they're willing to try.
我俩都以为安迪莉老师会就心理健康问题啰唆一番。好学生意味着什么？怎么才能成为好学生？本校的学生如何优秀，囊括了本州最出色的学生。只要愿意努力，人人都有同样的成功机会，等等。
But instead, she gave each of us a buddy.
可她只给我俩做了介绍，让我俩做朋友。
So many things could have gone so horribly wrong.
什么事都可能发生啊。
Then a girl whispered, "Someone saw an ambulance leaving her house."
有个女生低声回答说：“有人看见一辆救护车从她家开走。”
The moment Ms. Antilly told us why we were there, Jessica and I turned to each other. Her lips parted as if she wanted to say something. But what could she say with me sitting right there? She felt blindsided. Confused. Lied to.
安迪莉老师跟我俩讲了让我们来的用意后，我和杰西卡就转过来相互打量着。她双唇微微张开，好像要说什么。可她跟坐在那儿的我能说什么呢？她好像是愣住了，有点困惑，好像上了当。
I close my eyes. I don't want to see it, but it's so clear. When rumors of Hannah's unexplained absence began spreading through school, Mr. Porter asked our class why he kept hearing her name mentioned in the halls. He looked nervous. Almost sick. Like he knew the answer but wanted someone to convince him otherwise.
我闭上眼睛。我不愿意回想，可一切栩栩如生。有关汉娜莫名其妙缺课的流言在学校传开后，波特老师在课上问，为什么他总是在过道里听到有人提她的名字。他显得紧张不安。几乎是心烦意乱。就好像他明知答案，却希望有人跟他说不是的。
I press my forehead against the smooth bark and try to calm my breathing.
我额头抵着光滑的树干，努力平缓呼吸。
And here, to the best of my memory, is what we said.
下面，根据我的记忆，就是我俩说的话。
Jessica: Me, neither. I wouldn't have come. I mean, I'm sure Hillary and I have things in common, and I'm sure she's a great person, but…
杰西卡：我也没想到。要不我不来了。我是说，我相信希拉里和我有共同之处，我相信她很棒，可是…
I squeeze my eyes tight, trying hard to remember that day as clearly as possible.
我使劲挤了挤眼睛，努力想更清楚地回想那天的情景。
Me: I'm sorry, Ms. Antilly. I just didn't think that's why you called me in here.
我：对不起，安迪莉老师。我没想到你叫我来是这个原因。
Why? Did he know? Did he know because of something he'd done?
为什么？他知不知道发生了什么？他是不是由于自己做了什么而知道发生了什么？
And I'll never forget Ms. Antilly's reaction. Two short, drawn-out words. "Or… not."
我不会忘记安迪莉老师的反应。简短、缓慢地说的话：“或者……不做朋友。”
And then the three of us laughed. Jessica and I had very similar laughs, which made us laugh even harder. Ms. Antilly's laugh wasn't quite as heartfelt… more of a nervous laugh… but still a laugh. She claimed to have never tried matching up friends before, and was doubtful she ever would again.
我们三人都笑了起来。杰西卡和我笑起来很像，结果我们笑得更厉害了。安迪莉老师不像我们笑得那么开怀……笑得有点拘谨……可也还是在笑。她说以前从来没有给人介绍过朋友，估计以后再也不会了。
Me: It's okay. I just thought you should know my name if we're going to be such fabulous friends.
我：没关系。我只是想咱俩要做好朋友的话，你得知道我叫什么。
Jessica: I called you Hillary, didn't I? Sorry.
杰西卡：我说了希拉里，是吗？对不起。
Was it pain on Mr. Porter's face? Or was it fear? He just stood there, staring at Hannah's desk. Through her desk. And no one said a word, but we looked around. At each other.
波特老师脸上的表情是痛苦吗？还是恐惧？他就站在那儿，盯着汉娜的座位。眼神穿过她的座位。大家谁也不说话，只是你看我我看你，面面相觑。
Then he left. Mr. Porter walked out of class and didn't come back for a week.
随后他就走了。波特老师离开了教室，一个星期之后才回来。
Me: It's Hannah.
我：我叫汉娜。
I know that's how she felt because I felt the same way.
我知道她的心思，因为我也一样。
We left campus and, at first, the conversation felt awkward. But it was nice having someone to talk to other than my parents.
我俩出了学校，一开始谈话还有点拘谨。可是除了老爸老妈外还能有人说说话真的不错。
Very sneaky, Ms. Antilly. Veeeeeery sneaky.
真是怪事，安迪莉老师。真是怪事啊。
Neither of us were coffee drinkers, but it seemed like a nice place to chat.
我俩都不怎么喝咖啡，可去那儿聊天好像不错。
But guess what. After the meeting, Jessica and I did hang out.
可你们猜怎么着。这以后，我和杰西卡还真一起玩了。
So where did we go? E-7 on your map. Monet's Garden Café & Coffeehouse.
那么我俩去了哪儿呢？E—7，就在地图上。莫奈花园咖啡馆。
The bus door wheezes open.
车门吱地一声开了。
A city bus pulls up to the curb in front of me. Silver with blue stripes.
一辆公交车在前面路边停了下来。银白色车身，蓝色条纹。
We both got hot chocolate. She ordered it thinking it would be funny. But me? I always order hot chocolate.
我俩都点了热巧克力。她是觉得妤玩才点的。我呢？我一向喝热巧克力的。
Through the foggy windows I see that almost all the seats are empty.
透过雾气蒙蒙的车窗，只见车上几乎空无一人。
We walked past my turnoff, but I didn't say anything. I didn't want to stop our conversation, but I also didn't want to invite her over because we really didn't know each other yet. So we continued walking until we reached downtown. I found out later that she did the same thing, walked past the street where she lived in order to keep talking with me.
我俩走过了我家那个街口，但我没吱声。我不想结束我俩的谈话，但也不想请她去我家，因为我们相互还根本不了解。于是我俩就一直走，一直走到市中心。我后来发现，她也一样，走过了她家的那条街，好跟我说下去。
I've never ridden a city bus. Never had a reason to. But it's getting darker and colder every minute.
我从来没坐过公交车。没什么理由需要坐。可天越来越黑，也阵冷似一阵。
I choose a bench that, as long as no one else boards, is situated between three or four empty seats all around. The blue vinyl cushion is ripped down the middle, with the yellow stuffing inside about to burst out. I slide over to the window.
我挑了前后两三排都空着的那排座位。蓝色塑料坐垫已经开裂，里面的黄色填充物都要跑出来了。我移到靠窗的那边。
I make my way down the center aisle, buttoning my jacket against the cold, giving each button more attention than required. Any excuse to avert my eyes from the other passengers. I know how I must look to them. Confused. Guilty. In the process of being crushed.
我朝过道中间走去，太冷了，我把夹克衫扣起，每个纽扣都花了好长时间。只要不用跟别的乘客目光相对。我知道自己脸上的神情。困惑，愧疚，都要崩溃了。
The glass is cold, but resting my head against it helps relax me.
窗玻璃冰冷，可头靠着玻璃能让我放松。
I honestly don't remember much of what we said that afternoon. Do you, Jessica? Because when I close my eyes, everything happens in a kind of montage. Laughing. Trying hard not to spill our drinks. Waving our hands while we talk.
我真的不怎么记得那天下午我俩都说了些什么。你呢，杰西卡？因为只要我闭上眼睛，所有的场景都像蒙太奇那样叠化在一起。大笑。尽量不让饮料翻出来。说话时手动个不停。
It doesn't cost anything to ride the bus at night, so I hop on. I move right by the driver without either of us saying a word to each other. She doesn't even look at me.
公交车夜间是免费的，于是我跳上车。我走过司机身旁，我俩谁都没打招呼。她看都没看我一眼。
I close my eyes. The glass cools one side of my overheated face. I don't care where this bus is going. I'll ride it for hours if I'm allowed to. I'll just sit here and listen to the tapes. And maybe, without trying, I'll fall asleep.
我闭上眼睛。窗玻璃让发烫的脸颊变凉。我不在乎公交车去哪儿。只要不赶我下去，我就坐上几个小时。我就坐在车上听磁带。也许，不知不觉我就睡着了。
I knew exactly who you were talking about because I'd been watching him, as well. But he wasn't checking me out.
我知道你说的是谁，因为我也一直在看他。但他并不是在看我。
"He's checking you out," I said.
“他是在看你。”我说。
I want to push Stop on the Walkman and rewind their whole conversation. To rewind into the past and warn them. Or prevent them from even meeting.
我想按随身听的停止键，把他们的全部对话倒过去。倒到过去，给他们一个警示。或者就不让他们碰头。
In a contest of who's-got-the-biggest-balls, all of you listening should know that Jessica wins.
在争球对抗中，你们都知道，赢家肯定是杰西卡。
Then, at one point, you lean across the table. "I think that guy's checking you out," you whispered.
突然，你从桌子对面俯过身来。“我想那个男的是在看你。”你低声道。
"Excuse me," she said to Alex, in case you haven't figured out the name of the mystery man, "but which one of us are you checking out?"
“对不起，”她对艾利克斯——如果你们还没猜出那个神秘男生的名字的话——说，“可你是在看我俩当中的谁呢？”
And a few months later, after Hannah and Justin Foley break up, after the rumors begin, Alex writes a list. Who's hot. Who's not. But there, at Monet's, no one knew where that meeting would lead.
几个月之后，当汉娜和贾斯汀·弗利分手，流言开始传开后，艾利克斯编了一份名单。“最辣/最烂”榜。而在莫奈咖啡馆时，谁也不知道那次碰头会带来什么。
But I can't. You can't rewrite the past.
可我不能。你不能倒回到过去。
Alex blushed. I'm talking an all-the-blood-in-his-body-rushing-up-to-his-face kind of blushed. And when he opened his mouth to deny it, Jessica cut him off.
艾利克斯脸涨得通红。我是说就像全身的血都涌到脸上的那种红。他张口想否认时，杰西卡打断了他。
"Don't lie. Which one of us were you checking out?"
“老实说。我们俩你是在看谁？”
Through the frosty glass, downtown's streetlamps and neon lights slide by. Most of the shops are closed for the night. But the restaurants and bars remain open.
结着霜的窗玻璃里，市中心的街灯和霓虹灯——掠过。店家大多打烊了。只有饭店和酒吧还开着。
Silently, I thanked Ms. Antilly for introducing us.
我默默地感谢安迪莉老师介绍我们认识。
Alex stammered. "I just… I heard… it's just, I'm new here, too."
艾利克斯有点张口结舌。“我只是……听说……就是，我也是新搬来的。”
At that moment I would have paid dearly for Jessica's friendship. She was the most outgoing, honest, tell-it-like-it-is girl I'd ever met.
那时我真的愿意因为杰西卡的仗义相助而付出。她是我见到过的最开朗、诚实、实话实说的女孩。
Alex stuttered and Jessica leaned over, letting her fingers fall gracefully onto his table.
艾利克斯支支吾吾地说着，杰西卡侧身向前，手指优雅地抵在他桌上。
"Look, we saw you watching us," she said. "We're both new to this town and we'd like to know who you were staring at. It's important."
“瞧，我们看到你在看我们，”她说，“我俩都是新搬来的，我们想知道你在看谁。这很重要。”
I think Jessica and I both said something along the lines of, "Oh." And then it was our turn to blush. Poor Alex just wanted to be a part of our conversation. So we let him. And I think we talked for at least another hour -- probably more. Just three people, happy that the first day of school wouldn't be spent wandering the halls alone. Or eating lunch alone. Getting lost alone.
记得我和杰西卡同时说了“噢”什么的。这下是我俩脸红了。可怜的艾利克斯只是想和我们一起说话。于是我们同意了，记得我们三人至少又聊了一个小时——可能还不止。就我们三人，庆幸着开学第一天不用独自一人在厅道里瞎逛。或独自一人吃饭。独自一人找不着方向。
Maybe I should've checked before getting on.
也许我上车前该问一下。
Not that it matters, but where is this bus going? Does it leave our town for another one? Or does it loop endlessly through these streets?
虽说不要紧，可这辆车到底去哪儿啊？会不会开到别的镇？还是不停地在马路上绕圈？
And just so you know, I never thought of Jessica or Alex as friends. Not even at the beginning when I would've loved two automatic friendships.
而你们知道，我从来没把杰西卡或艾利克斯当朋友。即使刚开始时，我真的希望能有两个不期而遇的朋友。
That afternoon at Monet's was a relief for all three of us. How many nights had I fallen asleep terrified, thinking of that first day of school? Too many. And after Monet's? None. Now, I was excited.
那天下午在莫奈咖啡馆，我们三人都宽慰了不少。有多少个夜晚，我是在想着开学第一天的担惊受怕中入睡？太多了。莫奈咖啡馆那天之后？再也没有了。此刻，我都有点兴奋了。
And I know they felt the same way, because we talked about it. We talked about our past friends and why those people had become our friends. We talked about what we were searching for in new friends at our new school.
我知道他们也有同感，因为我们三人谈过这事。我们谈着各自以前的朋友，他们是怎么成为朋友的。我们三人谈论过希望在新学校有怎样的朋友。
But those first few weeks, until we each peeled away, Monet's Garden was our safe haven. If one of us had a hard time fitting in or meeting people, we'd go to Monet's. Back in the garden, at the far table to the right.
但在这最初的几个星期里，在三人各自找到新朋友之前，莫奈花园是我们的安全港湾。谁要是跟人相处时不太顺心，我们就去莫奈咖啡馆。在咖啡馆，右边最里边的那张桌子。
I'm not sure who started it, but whoever had the most exhausting day would lay a hand in the center of the table and say, "Olly-olly-oxen-free." The other two would lay their hands on top and lean in. Then we'd listen, sipping drinks with our free hands. Jessica and I always drank hot chocolate. Over time, Alex made his way through the entire menu.
不记得是谁想出来的，反正谁要是哪天不顺心，就把手摊放在桌子当中，说：“木公鸡木公鸡快出来。”另外两人就把手搭在上面。然后我们就听，空着的手拿杯子。杰西卡和我总是喝热巧克力。慢慢地，艾利克斯把饮料单上所有的饮料都喝过了。
At least, with me it didn't.
至少对我来说是这样的。
But don't worry… it didn't last.
不过，没事…这个情形没持续多久。
I slide across the bench to the aisle, then stand up in the moving bus.
我移到座位靠过道的那边，车还在开，我站了起来。
The first to drop out was Alex. We were friendly when we saw each other in the halls, but it never went beyond that.
第一个退出的是艾利克斯。在楼道里碰到我们都客客气气的，可再也没进一步的表示了。
Bracing my hands against the backrests, I make my way to the front of the shifting bus.
我扶着车座靠背，朝车厢前面走去，车正在换档。
Now down to the two of us, Jessica and me, the whole thing changed pretty fast. The talks became chitchat and not much more.
于是只剩下我们两人了，我和杰西卡，情况很快就发生了变化。谈话变成了纯粹的闲聊，没什么真正内容。
I've only been to Monet's a few times, but I think it's on the street the bus is going down now.
我只去过莫奈咖啡馆两三次，好像就在公交车现在开的那条街上。
Yes, we were cheesy. And I'm sorry if this episode's making you sick. If it helps, it's almost too sweet for me. But Monet's truly filled whatever void needed filling at the time. For all of us.
没错，我们都挺无赖。要是这个小插曲让你们讨厌，那就抱歉啦。要是管用，那就太妤了。反正在那时，莫奈花园真的填补了个急需填补的空白。对我们三人都一样。
"When's the next stop?" I ask. I feel the words leave my throat, but they're barely whispers above Hannah's voice and the engine.
“下一站是哪儿？”我问道。我觉得自己话说出口了，可夹杂着汉娜的声音和发动机的声音，听上去就好像是在耳语似的。
Then Jessica stopped going, and though I went to Monet's a few more times hoping one of them might wander in, eventually I stopped going, too.
接着杰西卡也不来了，虽然我还去过几次，希望他们哪个或许会露面，可最后我也不去了。
The driver looks at me in the rearview mirror.
司机从后视镜里看着我。
And we got to know Alex at Monet's. And then… and then this happened.
我们在莫奈咖啡馆认识艾利克斯。后来……后来就发生了下面的事。
When I got there, Jessica was sitting slumped in a chair, arms dangling by her sides like she'd been waiting a long time. And maybe she had. Maybe she hoped I would skip my last class to join her.
我到那儿时，杰西卡已经精神不振地坐在一张椅子里，耷拉着两臂，好像是等了好长时间。或许真是等了很久。或许她希望我最后一节课翘课去找她。
"Only other people here are asleep," the driver says. I watch her lips carefully to make sure I understand. "I can stop wherever you'd like."
“车上的人都睡着了。”司机说。我盯着她的嘴，好确信她在说什么。“你想哪儿下我就停哪儿。”
I hold myself steady as the bus decelerates and pulls to the curb.
车减速，在路边停下，我让自己站稳。
The door wheezes open.
车门吱的一声开了。
Yes, I met Jessica for the first time in Ms. Antilly's office. But we got to know each other at Monet's.
没错，我是在安迪莉老师的办公室第一次见到杰西卡的。但我俩是在莫奈咖啡馆相互了解的。
At school one day, Jessica walked up to me in the halls. "We need to talk," she said. She didn't say where or why, but I knew she meant Monet's… and I thought I knew why.
一天在学校，杰西卡在楼道里迎面朝我走来。“咱们得谈谈。”她说。她没说哪里，谈什么，可我知道她是说莫奈咖啡馆……而我想我知道要谈什么。
The bus passes Monet's. "Here's good," I say.
公交车开过莫奈咖啡馆。“就这儿好了。”我说。
See, the cool thing about Jessica's story is that so much of it happens in one spot, making life much easier for those of you following the stars.
知道吗，杰西卡的故事爽就爽在许多事都发生在一处，这可是大大地方便了你们当中跟随红星记号的人。
I descend the stairs and step from the gutter up onto the curb. I readjust the headphones and start walking back half a block.
我下车，越过排水沟上了人行道，然后调整了一下耳机，返身朝后面走去。
Until…
直到…
So I sat down and slid my hand into the middle of the table. "Olly-olly-oxen-free?"
我坐下，把手搁在桌子中间。“木公鸡木公鸡快出来。”
I knew which side of the list I was on -- according to Alex. And my so-called opposite was sitting across from me. At our safe haven, no less. Mine… hers… and Alex's.
我知道自己的名字在哪一栏——按照艾利克斯的分类。而跟我对应的那个正坐在我对面。在我俩的安全港湾，还是那样。我的……她的……艾利克斯的，安全港湾。
I should've grabbed every copy I could find and thrown them all away.
我真该找到所有的名单，全都扔掉。
"Who cares?" I told her. "It doesn't mean anything."
“谁会在乎？”我跟她说，“这没有任何意义。”
I swallow hard. When I read that list, I passed it down the aisle without a thought. At the time, it seemed kind of funny.
我费劲地吞咽了一下。我看到那张名单时，没怎么多想就传了下去。当时觉得挺逗的。
She lifted one of her hands and slapped a paper on the table. Then she pushed it across and spun it around for me to read. But I didn't need it spun around, because the first time I read that paper it was upside down on Jimmy's desk: WHO'S HOT / WHO'S NOT.
她抬起一只手，把一张纸拍在桌上。然后把纸往前推过，转了个向让我看。可我用不着转向，因为我第一次在吉姆的桌上看到那张纸也是倒的：最辣/最烂。
"Hannah," she said, "I don't care that he picked you over me."
“汉娜，”她说，“我不在乎他选你不选我。”
And now? How do I see it now?
现在呢？现在我怎么看这件事？
I knew exactly where that conversation was headed and I was not going to let her take us there.
我知道谈话会朝哪个方向发展，我不想让她引到那个方向去。
"He did not choose me over you, Jessica," I said. "He chose me to get back at you and you know that. He knew my name would hurt you more than anyone else's."
“他不是选我不选你，杰西卡，”我说，“他选我是为了报复你，这你清楚。他知道选我要比选别人更让你生气。”
Do you remember that, Jessica? Because I do.
你还记得这些吗，杰西卡？我记得。
She closed her eyes and said my name in almost a whisper. "Hannah."
她闭上眼睛，喃喃地念着我的名字：“汉娜。”
When someone says your name like that, when they won't even look you in the eyes, there is nothing more you can do or say. Their mind is made up.
要是有人这么念你的名字，要是他们都不愿看着你，那你就没辙了，也没什么可说的了。他们已经打定主意了。
"Hannah," you said. "I know the rumors."
“汉娜，”你说，“我听说了那些传言。”
"You can't know rumors," I said. And maybe I was being a little sensitive, but I had hoped -- silly me -- that there would be no more rumors when my family moved here. That I had left the rumors and gossip behind me… for good. "You can hear rumors," I said, "but you can't know them."
“传言是不能当真的。”我说。或许我有点神经过敏，但我真的希望——我笨啊——我家搬过来之后就不会再有传言了。我把所有的飞短流长和闲言碎语都留着了身后……永远地。“你或许听到些传言，”我说，“但传言是不能当真的。”
Yes, I knew the rumors. And I swore to you that I hadn't seen Alex one time outside of school. But you wouldn't believe me.
是的，我已经听说了那些传言。我向你们发誓，放学后我一次也没跟艾利克斯约会过。但你们不会相信。
Again, you said my name. "Hannah."
你又一次念了我的名字：“汉娜。”
And why should you believe me? Why would anyone not believe a rumor that fits so nicely with an old rumor? Huh, Justin? Why?
你们干嘛要相信我？人家干嘛不去相信传言，如果传言跟先前的传言恰好吻合？嗯，贾斯汀？干嘛？
For Jessica, it was easier to think of me as Bad Hannah than as the Hannah she got to know at Monet's. It was easier to accept. Easier to understand.
对杰西卡来说，把我看成是坏汉娜当然要比还把我当成她在莫奈咖啡馆所了解的那个汉娜容易得多。更容易接受。更容易理解。
Jessica could have heard so many rumors about Alex and Hannah. But none of them were true.
杰西卡准是听到了不少关于艾利克斯和汉娜的传言。可那些没一个是真的。
For her, the rumors needed to be true.
对她来说，那些传言只能是真的而不是假的。
I remember a bunch of guys joking with Alex in the locker room. "Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, Baker's man." Then someone asked him, "Pat that muffin, Baker's man?" and everyone knew what was being said.
记得一帮男生在更衣室跟艾利克斯开玩笑。“拍拍手，做面包，面包师傅。”接着有人问道：“做不做松饼，面包师傅？”大伙儿都心领神会。
I told her I knew all about their relationship. On that first day at Monet's, he had been checking one of us out. And it wasn't me. And yes, that made me jealous. And if it helped her get over it, I accepted any blame she wanted to put on me for the two of them breaking up. But… it… was…not… true!
我告诉她，他俩的事我全都知道。在莫奈咖啡馆的第一天，他在看我俩。看的不是我。没错，我有点嫉妒。他俩分手了，要是能让她好受点，她想怎么怪罪我就怎么怪罪我，我就认了。可是…这一切……不是……真的！
"Fine," I said. "Fine, Jessica. Thank you for helping me the first few weeks of school. It meant a lot. And I'm sorry Alex screwed that up with this stupid little list of his, but he did."
“妤吧，”我说，“妤吧，杰西卡。谢谢你开学这几个星期来给我的帮助。这对我很重要。很遗憾艾利克斯用这份愚蠢的排名榜把这一切全都给毁了，但他就这么做了。”
When the row cleared out, only Alex and I remained. A tiny wrench of jealousy twisted up my insides. Ever since Kat's going-away party, I couldn't get Hannah out of my mind. But I couldn't bring myself to ask if what they had said was true. Because if it was, I didn't want to hear it.
那帮人走后，只剩下我和艾利克斯。我心中涌起一丝醋意。自从凯特的告别派对之后，我一直念念不忘汉娜。可我又不能去问他们说的那些是不是真的。因为如果是真的，我也不想知道。
Tightening his shoelaces, and without looking at me, Alex denied the rumor. "Just so you know."
艾利克斯没看我，一边系着鞋带一边否认：“你知道他们就这德行。”
But all Jessica heard was me accepting blame.
然而，杰西卡只听进一句话：怎么怪罪我都认。
I reach Monet's.
我到了莫奈咖啡馆。
She rose up beside her chair -- glaring down at me -- and swung.
她从椅子里站起——对我怒目而视——猛地扑过来。
Two guys stand outside, leaning against the wall. One smokes a cigarette and the other is burrowed deep into his jacket.
外面站着两个男的，靠着墙，一个在抽烟，另一个紧缩在夹克衫里。
So tell me, Jessica, which did you mean to do? Punch me, or scratch me? Because it felt like a little bit of both. Like you couldn't really decide.
告诉我，杰西卡，你是想干什么？打我？还是抓我？因为好像都有点，就好像你没打定主意。
And what was it you called me? Not that it matters, but just for the record. Because I was too busy lifting my hand and ducking -- but you got me!-- and I missed what you said.
还有，你骂我什么？这不重要，不过是存档而已。由于我忙着抬手招架——可你还是打到了我——我没听见你说什么。
I noticed that scar a few weeks ago. At the party. A tiny flaw on a pretty face. And I told her how cute it was.
我是在几个星期前注意到的。在那个派对上。俏脸上的小小瑕疵。我跟她说，看上去很可爱。
That tiny scar you've all seen above my eyebrow, that's the shape of Jessica's fingernail… which I plucked out myself.
你们大伙儿都看见的我眉头的那个小疤痕，是杰西卡指甲的形状……是我自己拔掉的。
Minutes later, she started freaking out.
没过几分钟，她就变得反常怪异了。
Or maybe you've never seen it. But I see it every morning when I get ready for school. "Good morning, Hannah," it says. And every night when I get ready for bed. "Sleep tight."
也可能你们根本没注意到。但每天早上我洗漱打扮准备上学时都看到。“早上好，汉娜，”它对我说。还有每天晚上我准备睡觉时。“睡个好觉。”
But it's more than just a scratch. It's a punch in the stomach and a slap in the face. It's a knife in my back because you would rather believe some made-up rumor than what you knew to be true.
可这不仅仅是一个疤痕。这是致命的一击，一记响亮的耳光。这是背后捅来的一刀，因为你宁肯相信编造的流言也不相信你了解的事实。
I push open the heavy wood-and-glass door to Monet's. Warm air rushes out to grab me and everyone turns, upset at the person letting in the cold. I slink inside and shut the door behind me.
我推开莫奈咖啡馆沉甸甸的玻璃木门。温暖的空气一下子把我裹住，大家都转过身来，不满意我把冷空气带进去。我赶紧进去，拉上了门。
Jessica, my dear, I'd really love to know if you dragged yourself to my funeral. And if you did, did you notice your scar?
杰西卡，我亲爱的，我真想知道你有没有参加我的葬礼。如果参加了，你有没有看到你留下的疤痕？
And what about you -- the rest of you -- did you notice the scars you left behind?
还有你们——你们大家——你们有没有看到各自留下的疤痕？
No. Probably not.
没有，想必没有。
That wasn't possible.
没有这种可能。
Because most of them can't be seen with the naked eye.
因为疤痕通常不是肉眼能看到的。
Because there was no funeral, Hannah.
因为根本就没有葬礼，汉娜。